and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i think i just lost a toe
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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