is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
