....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
