cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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