cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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