I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
