I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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