I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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