take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
