I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
