The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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