i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
