he shaved USA in his pubs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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