3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
