i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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