bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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