He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize