There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
