The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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