end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
