hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
