Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize