speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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