took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
