yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
