Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
