Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
