how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
