the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
