Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
