Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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