she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize