They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
