He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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