He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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