And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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