My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
