i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
