Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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