dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In other news, I just burned my penis
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
