mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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