hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize