Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fuck me I smell like cheese
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
