Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
