Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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