i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
