my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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