dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
