Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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