atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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