I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
