Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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