I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
