sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
