someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
