I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize