made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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