dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
