i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
