i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
