2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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