So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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