fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
